I'm unsure where to begin- the first post of what could either be many or simply a few...
Raindrops pitter-patter aganst my window. The only things giving me light are the screen of my laptop on my bed and a flickering street light just outside my window, doing its best to illuminate an empty sidewalk underneath a starless sky, for no one but me. The world right now is unusually still, at most times there's some sort of noise- but it's all quiet.
But in this quiet my thoughts seem to scream the loudest- and tonight my brain has given me no shortage of fear and paranoia, amplified by this beautifully fucked world around me crumbling and decaying slowly before my very eyes-
The days in which I see the sun set then rise are becoming very common. I see and hear the occasional car drive by at around this time each morning. That's just what people do in this world- wake up as the sun rises on a burning earth, navigate motor vehicles through winding rivers and vast seas of asphalt and concrete, generate wealth for people who profit off of suffering and killing our planet, go back home and prep for next day.
The world seems so monotonous and gray, and its inhabitants perpetuate the cycles that keep this festering rot alive. Due to this worldview, I often wonder about the meaning of life (I am obviously not the first). The world is constantly shifting and changing, and nothing is concrete or certain.
There is more to life than most people realize- we have all just been tricked and misled into thinking that the best way to live is to work forty hours a week for five decades of your life. Any other way of living is impossible to realistically think about obtaining- because if you're not working for someone, you aren't "earning a living". We've been fooled into believing that if we aren't wasting away in a cubicle or working a shitty dead-end job in a dying strip mall, we don't deserve to live comfortably and peacefully. On the contrary, if you aren't fattening an oligarch, you deserve to waste away on the desolate streets of crumbling cities underneath the flourescent lighting of a street lamp.
I'm unsure what I want to do with my life right now. Everything is so DISGUSTINGLY CORPORATE. I've considered making music, but only a small fraction of bands get to "make a living" doing that. Even then, predatory record labels will scoop you up and squeeze you dry, and streaming services practically force you to constantly tour and make new material ASAP. Creating things for people to enjoy has this baggage attached that reeks of capitalism.
Maybe I'll still play the cello.
My own disdain for our disgusting kings and princes is eating away at me, because in the end I know they control FUCKING EVERYTHING. It's so tough to be authentic right now, in the age of robots creating art and music and while the rest of us slave away in warehouses or crummy restaurants or what have you. I want to assure to both myself and you, the reader, that there is some light to chase after, something we can all latch onto in these terrible times. But I can't find anything to chase. No dreams, no aspirations, no nothing.
nauseating towers and spires of concrete/metal overlooking oh so glorious five-lane highways sit on the far horizon, and when I look at them I cannot feel anything apart from disgust.
Find your way back home